I completed the Landmark Forum this weekend. Actually tomorrow night will be the final session, where we bring our family and friends to witness what we've experienced, meet the people we've met and sign up if they want to!
I won't go too far into it, cause I don't want to lose you guys or make you think I've gone all woo-woo on your asses or even get too heavy, because believe me - this was beyond heavy.
I'll preface this by saying that I resisted this idea. But then again, don't we all resist change? Change can be scary and we all resist what's scary. But I gave in eventually and I'm happy - elated even, that I did it.
So...without going any further I want to connect this to my blog. You know that expression, "It's not what you're eating...it's what's eating you"? Well, I never really gave that much weight for my personal life. I always just chalked my weight gain up to a love of food, my auto-immune disease, my refusal to exercise, etc. etc. Refused to give into the notion that anything in my personality or personal life might have any connection whatsoever to the fact that I gained 50+ lbs. What a joke. I learned this weekend that that could not be further from the truth.
A-ha moments aren't really anything new for me. I have them on a fairly regular basis. I tend to push them very quickly aside though. I don't dwell on them, or give them any meaning or purpose. So let's say I figure out that I live in fear. No biggie, right? Uh...wrong. Very biggie, in fact. So let me back up a bit. I attended the Landmark Forum. It's a 3 day "Forum for living". Kind of new agey - kind of self-helpy. But what you find out in the course is that you're really whole and perfect and complete exactly the way you are and that the time and energy that you spend trying to create new and better versions of yourself based on your past are a waste of time and energy. Because if your past didn't work that well so you're trying to change it - why base your future on it? Get it? You also learn so much more. Like how we attach so much meaning to things that happen in our lives. In a nutshell --- there are the facts about something --- and there is the story you tell yourself about what happened. Two entirely different things. The facts are just that - facts. But these stories that we tell ourselves..."he did that because he doesn't love me"...."my Mom did that because she loves my sister more".....etc. etc. we carry with us our entire lives sometimes and they really mess with us. So you learn to a. let go of those past stories and b. stop doing that in the future. So there's that!
But there's so much for to the Forum. For me it was about personal revelations and how to move beyond them. My biggest revelation this weekend? That I'm a fraud. Yep. I can say it out loud now. I've been living a big fat lie for years. That I'm cool and I'm strong and I'm happy and I'm together, when in fact --- I'm kind of a mess. And FEAR? Omg - I live each and every day in fear -- fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of success, fear that people won't like me, fear that I won't maintain this weight loss, fear of not being loved, fear of loving, fear of change, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear.
So how do I moved beyond this revelation now that I have it? Well, let's just say that I have a lot of work ahead of me. Getting real with my husband will be the very first order on my to-do list. I've been lying to him for the past year and that needs to stop. I need to tell him how I feel and what I need and who I am and what's happening in my head. In Landmark - it's called becoming "authentic". And yes --- I've been "inauthentic" for a very, very long time.
That, coupled with the tools that I've been given to catch myself from falling into the traps of my past will allow me to create a blank slate for myself - a blank slate which will then allow for nothing but POSSIBILITIES. And when you have those possibilities there is suddenly hope where there was none before. You can begin to think about other people - and not just yourself. You can begin to think about a future and dream big.
I signed up for the advanced course before the course was even over. I'm that committed. Some call it "drinking the Kool-Aid". Not me. I call it drinking the incredible tasting salt-rimmed glass of happiness. Make mine a double!