Quiet The Voices

Uh-Oh. Monday morning crap alert. Was it my somewhat shitty weigh-in that brought this on...or the upload of a new picture this morning...I'll back up.

So, I think it was last week that I talked about those little voices in our heads. We all basically have 2 - the good one and the bad one. I gave mine names. Goldie is good. She loves me. She supports me. She thinks I'm the shit. Like on Saturday night when I was all dolled up and heading out the door to go to the big tiki event (a big tiki weekender that we go to every year -- lots of fun people, tropical drinks, etc in Palm Springs) -- she told me that I was lookin' super fly, that I had it all together and that I should be so proud that I was squeezing my body into that tight retro halter dress and looking so good! And then there's Myra. Myra is a bitch. She and I do not get along, but we're somehow incredibly connected and I can't seem to shake her. Myra was right there this morning when I woke up. She was telling me to check out the picture that I uploaded. See how much my body looks just like the halfway picture?  "You think you look thin? You think you look hot? You think you look young? Ha! Pictures don't lie chubbette!" And just like that the bitch brought me down this morning and I started to think she's right. I am still so chubby. Fifteen pounds to go? Try twenty or twenty-five....

What's funny is that on Saturday night, right after Goldie's big pep talk I walked out that door - rockin my lashes and heels and into that event and damn if I wasn't the bomb! Five minutes in the event and some guy grabs me, hugs me and says "Damn girl - you are BANGIN'!" And I got no less than 5 more comments like that throughout the night from guys that I already knew (who hadn't seen me since the weight loss) and from a few I didn't know.

Part of me wonders if the attention that I got this weekend caused this backlash. I don't do good with the attention. It's the yin and yang of me. I'm an attention whore that hates attention basically. It's all very weird. I'm like -- I want to strut my stuff and I want you think think I'm hot, but PLEASE do not say a word to me about it. That's what I don't want. The line is crossed when you approach me about it. I think maybe because it's all so new right now and it's all coming from the POV of dieting and of the change. Maybe if I was just "naturally" thin and these guys were complimenting me it might be different, but part of me (Myra no doubt) thinks that I'm fooling them into thinking that I'm hot, when I'm actually a fat girl in disguise. Does that make sense? I'm also insecure about my ability to maintain this -- because I've lost weight so many times before. So Myra is standing there right next to me when they compliment me telling them, "Oh you just wait till a year or two from now -- she'll be a fatty again! ha-ha!". God...I hate her so.

So how do you quiet the voices in my head? How do I tell Myra to STFU basically? Because that bitch can do SO much damage it isn't even funny! I set out this morning to find some tools. I found these 4 steps on a life coach blog. I think I'll see how I can apply them to my situation:

1. Write it down -

When I’m working on things which are outside my comfort zone, my inner storyteller kicks into overdrive. What I’ve noticed is that if I stay engaged in the process long enough, the negative voice goes quiet.

Write down the negative thought as it happens.  This helps me to actually acknowledge the thought and not buy into its message. I am then free to give myself better feelings and take action from the better feelings.

2. Move it around - 

One technique that works extremely well when your inner little devil is speaking in ‘you’ messages instead of ‘I’ messages (i.e. ‘you’re a loser’, ‘you can’t do this’,  etc.) is to change its location. Notice where you currently hear it – is it in the back of your head? Whispering in your ear? Behind your eyes? Next, experiment with putting it in the very center of your throat, as if you were about to actually speak it out loud. People often report that when they do this, the message changes from a ‘you’ to an ‘I’ and the voice changes from someone in your past to your own. Finally, place the voice outside your body where you can dialogue with it from a comfortable distance.  (If you see me talking to my foot ever, you’ll know why.)

3. Comfort it - 

One of my most successful clients swears by telling that voice inside his head to ‘#%@&! off” at every opportunity. For those of you who, like me, find that a bit harsh, ‘thank you for sharing’ works nicely, as does my personal variation – a gentle, soothing ‘shhhhh…’, like comforting a distraught child.

4.Turn It Up Or Down -

Experiment with turning the volume up and down on the voices inside your head. If you’re not aware of any voices inside your head, notice what happens when you turn down the sound anyways.

Beyond this experiment, I know that being a solution oriented person I need to put in the work with Goldie this week. That is usually the best antidote to Myra's BS - a great weigh-in next week and basically my ability to simply carry on. So this week will be about joining a gym so that I can begin to replace some of my fat with muscle mass (something that is essential for long term weigh loss maintenance), yoga and hiking for my soul! 

Gratitude...and Attitude

What a good morning. Indeed. Not only because this morning I awoke to a lovely 1.7 lb weight loss, but because I awoke feeling serenity, happiness and mostly gratefulness. It's occurred to me lately that I am just so flippin GRATEFUL for this new body and mind set.

I used to say (and really pray)...God...please...just let me lose 15 lbs and I'll be happy. If I could just lose 20 lbs I'd be over the moon. I thought that if I just asked for something small and doable I could achieve my goal. As though just putting it out there....my dream....my prayer....was all that it would take. As though putting in the hard work would somehow not need to happen, or would happen automatically if I just said the mantra.

But it never did. Instead, I just kept gaining. I somehow managed to disassociate myself completely from my weight gain, as though I had no part in. As though some foreign entity had taken over my body and was sailing my ship. And in some ways...it was. It was called, depression. And it was called MY NEGATIVE VOICE.  I know that now. Because in reality we all know -- there is only one person steering our ship --- and that is US. We create and manifest our own reality. Everything and anything we want is right there for the taking. All we need to do is ask the universe for it. Someone recently told me that "context was decisive". I had to think about what he meant for a long time....but I finally got it. In this case, the "context" is the mental framework in your head. It's composed of things like beliefs, values, expectations, etc. How you see anything in life - happy or sad or whatever, is all within that framework. By shifting your own context you shift your behavior. Basically in a nutshell...what it all means is that you create your own life, happiness,money, reality and everything and everyone around you. I don't want to over complicate this in the short amount of space I have here, so I'll just say....wake up every day, take a deep breath, meditate for a few minutes if you can, imagine your day and what you'd like it to look like, imagine that everyone you encounter will be happy and loving towards you and that you'll send that same energy out to everyone you meet - strangers too. Try this for a couple of weeks and see if your life changes for the better. Get back to me on that!

So...how does this all come back to my weight loss? Well...like I used to say....God, please just let me lose 15 lbs...or 20.....Finally something came into my life that helped me to achieve this goal and go way beyond it to where I really need to be. Yeah, I know it sounds funny to thank the universe for a weight loss drug, but I clearly remember the day that I heard about it and I got excited and kind of teary and I actually did thank God for letting me be in front of the TV at that exact moment, cause if I hadn't been I wouldn't know about it, and I couldn't do it on my own. God knows I tried. And now...well, I'm so very grateful for my weight loss. I thank the heavens every time I pass a mirror. I'm actually doing this. I catch a glimpse of myself and I think, wow - I did this. I took over 6 months to exercise, adjust my thinking, pull myself out of my deep funk, eat in a new way, feel hunger, love myself again...and yes - change my entire context...so that I am now truly, truly grateful.

And now...well, it's just the beginning. I feel like anything is possible. I need to make more money and I feel like I can. I'm ready to start that new business that I put off all last year. I'm ready to learn to surf and stand up paddle board and snow board. I started going to Agape on Sundays (a super cool church near me) so I could infuse some spirituality in my life again, I'm rediscovering my sexuality and my femininity (something that I thought was LONG gone), I need to start creating again and I'm ready to design a new piece of furniture. It's suddenly all possible again....

Invisibility

Suddenly...I'm no longer invisible. So many interesting things happen when you drop a few L.B.'s. Not the least of which is the fact that as a women, you are suddenly thrust back into the limelight. Or are you?

I used to call myself "The Invisible Women". Months ago, at my highest weight I truly felt that way. Men would barge past me when going into the local Starbucks -- never stopping to hold the door or even glance my way. I think one day I actually patted my legs - just checking to be sure that I was actually still there. I could walk through the mall and go unnoticed -- like I was wearing my "invisibility cloak", a la Harry Potter.

Cut to now - 43 lbs down and suddenly my flesh is back. I'm once again visible. It makes me wonder....was I here all along? Maybe it was MY attitude that made me invisible - the way that I carried myself through a crowd. The way that I would divert my eyes from a group of guys if I saw them. Maybe I was saying "please don't look at me" all along. Or maybe not. Maybe men...and even women....are shallow beings. They say that the world is a visual place and I think that it's true. People tend to look hard at the beautiful and the grotesque and everything in between tends to be ignored. So, I think that probably it's a little bit of both.

So how do I feel about this new visibility? Well, the short answer is "it depends". So many factors play into that question, not the least of which is how many cocktails I've had. I'm basically an introvert, but I also like to be looked at. Weird, right? It's a strange mix of "look at me --- no! don't look at me"! If you've followed this blog at all you know that I've been collecting and sporting the highest platform heels imaginable lately. I adore them. I love the way they make my legs look and make me look 6' tall. They do such nice things to my curves too. So when I'm out for a night on the town and all dolled up, you will find me in them for sure. And yes - I get a ton of attention in them. Something about high, high heels that just drives guys nuts! lol. So that attention --- I'm good with. Other times, being an introvert I shy away from advances...and make no mistake, that's basically what I'm talking about here. Even at my "advanced age" I'm hit on often now that I've lost weight. A year ago? I couldn't get laid with a fist full of pardons in a prison!

Conclusions? I'm happy that I've lost weight. Thrilled in fact. And yes - I'll take the attention - as misguided, shallow or unwanted as it might sometimes be - it's better than being The Invisible Women.

What's In A Number?

Back on track and finally reached that HUGE milestone of a 40 lb weight loss! And guess what...I'm never looking back again!

At an actual weight loss of 42 lbs, I now have only 18 lbs to go to my goal weight of 148. Sometimes lately I toss around the idea of going even lower....145, or even gulp 140. This is not insane, unreachable or some kind of anorexic vision. How do I know this? Just check out any "normal" weight/height chart for someone my size -- 5' 5".  I've been looking at these charts my entire life and saying, "WTF?" and "How is that even possible?" The chart for a person of my height says that I should be somewhere between 117-155, with an ideal BMI of somewhere around 19. I'm a larger framed woman, so for me the higher end of the scale -- 137-155, is recommended. So, as you can see at a weight of 148 I'm hovering arond the tippy-top of my weight range and allowing very little wiggle room for a small weight fluctuation, to stay within the range of normalcy.

I wrestle with these numbers on a daily basis. It's kind of funny really. There are so many ways to gauge weight loss success - from clothing size, to BMI, to simply how you are looking and feeling. I know that it's not necessary to attach such importance to the actual number, but then again, I wonder if maybe ignoring the number for so many years HAS been one of my problems. I do notice that "naturally thin" people (is there really such a thing - or are they all people who just consciously work at it?), always say things like, "I usually weigh around 115 lbs, give or take 2 lbs". They always seem to know their "ideal" weight and stay within that range. So maybe the number really is more important that I've been willing to admit. The only thing that I do know is that I don't want to lose my curves and feminine body. I worry that going to low -- for me, could mean saying goodbye to my boobs and my hips (boobs especially). So, I'll be keeping an eye on that as I continue to go down.

Numbers aside....I'm feeling great. People are really, really noticing now and nothing feels greater than that! I'm getting lots of comments and compliments. My clothes are lose fitting and comfortable. I can cross my legs with ease (even double cross them!).  I'm just beginning to buy sizes that I only dreamed about and feeling so happy and comfortable in this skin!

WTF? Uh-Oh....

Week 22, apparently not a very lucky week for moi. :( Amazingly (or maybe not so amazingly?) I actually showed a gain this week of .8 lbs! Such a bummer. It's a bummer on so many levels.

Level #1....I'm so used to a minimum loss of 1.5 lbs per week that to show a gain at all is just, well - shocking!

Level #2....It sets me back and makes me lose an entire week in my attempt to wrap this up by summer. A week may not seem like a much in the grand scheme of my weight loss journey, but it's actually a lot, because not only do I have to lose the .8 that I gained this week now, but the additional 1.5 that I didn't lose. So my goal this week is to be over 2 for sure.

Level #3....It makes me  wonder what's going on. Will this get harder as I get closer to goal, or am I just getting sloppy? I suspect that it's the latter, not the former and I'm going to be super careful this week. I suspect in fact that it's the Costco coffee cake that's been sitting on the counter all week. I picked at it most of the week - taking little slivers off of it throughout the day - all day. So yes, I only ate my single meal each day, but I was picking way more than I normally do and certainly eating way less fruit and healthy stuff. I began to convince myself that instead of fruit I could eat anything, so long as it wasn't a meal and it was very small. Uh...no. So...back to the good stuff ONLY this week!

I know that you really can't let these little setbacks set you back. If you do, it's so counter productive and it only sets you back further. You just have to stand up - brush the coffee cake crumbs off your skirt - put on your big girl pants and get it done!

So that's my goal for this week. To work harder and smarter than I've been in the past weeks. I know that I'm getting comfortable and I can't. Not at this point. I'm too close to goal and too close to feeling like the thin and beautiful women that I know I want to be. I haven't felt this good in years and I refuse to give in. I refuse to give in to coffee cake, or hot weather telling me I can't walk each morning, or any of the other millions of excuses that I could give for being fat. Nope. Not gonna happen. I. Will. Reach. My. Goal.

Milestone!

Happy happy joy joy! For the first time in close to over 15 years I'm in the 160's! So thrilled! So excited! So stoked to continue to goal!

So this is another milestone post for me! Funny thing is...I'm .2 away from the next milestone of 40 lbs! So not sure that I'll post another milestone next week when I reach that awesomely amazing goal. I think that this one might just be for both of those goals (even though technically I'm still .2 away from 40!). Cut me some slack? lol...

It's looking like things might be beginning to slow down a bit now, which is natural, with numbers getting a tiny bit smaller each week than they were in some of my previous weeks (when I had those crazy 3 and 4 lb losses!). That's totally normal as you have less to lose.

Just returned from 4 days in Palm Springs and the Coachella music festival. (Didn't actually go -- I was just a "wallet and wheels" for my teenage son and his friends!) Still fun to even be around the energy of that amazing festival and it was a great getaway. I loved the time away and it was totally relaxing. I've found that not matter where I am the way that I eat now is 100% doable. I love it so much and I hope so much that even when I'm off of Qsymia I can continue to eat this way. I love not thinking about breakfast and lunch (lunch particularly - which I found to always be a problem - what to eat!)....and eating once a day - whatever I want - just works so beautifully for me.

That's all for now...I know...not exactly the most inspiring blog post ever. Sorry! (If you're new to my blog please read the earlier posts! They're WAY more interesting!)

Curves

Last nights long awaiting premiere of Mad Men (one of my absolute most favorite TV shows) got me thinking a lot about my body, body image in general, and about the newly co-opted definition of the term "curves". While I rarely wrestle with where I want to be as far as numbers on a scale, knowing that I would love to be just below 150 lbs, and that it would be a secret dream of mine to be in the 130's some day, I worry that that number might change the body that I've grown to know and love in a way that might permanently change who I AM. Or would it?

I define myself as curvy, and have since probably around the 8th grade. Right about the time I got my period I started to get these curves and I'm pretty happy with them. I love my boobs. I love my hips and with the exception of cellulite and the current shape of my bum (which is drastically in flux at this time!), I even like that. I've never ascribed to the notion that I needed to be thin. I knew that it wasn't who I was. I also knew that for me at least, my sexuality and curves were forever married. In short - men like my body. I haven't had too many complaints. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with a strong, thin, athletic, hard body. It's just not me. So rock on Madonna.

But recently the term "curves" has been besmirched. Suddenly the lines between obesity and having what used to be described as having an hourglass figure have been horribly blurred in my opinion. I have nothing but respect for the overweight community - I can relate. But I do take umbrage with the use....and what I perceive as the misuse of the term curves! And I did 38.2 lbs ago too BTW. Suddenly when you describe yourself as "curvy", a whole host of disclaimers has to go along with it! "But not fat!" "Not curvy as in obese....curvy as in hourglass." Etc. Etc.  Please....for the love of Mike....Give us hourglass gals back our use of the term curves!

And that brings me back to me. Where do I want to be at the end of all this? With roughly 20 lbs left to go (Milestone alert coming soon! 40 lbs AND in the 160's --- somewhere I haven't been in over 16 years!). I know that I don't want to lose my curves. I don't even want to lose my "softness". I recently stumbled across a Facebook page that made me sit up and take notice. It's called "Hips and Curves - Not Skin And Bones". It's a blog and FB page and it features a lot of really beautiful pictures of "curvy" women. Not every photo resonates --- some make me happy to be losing weight quite honestly. But most of them are just beautiful. Like this one for instance:

Beautiful and so sexy! It made me really think about my body type and how much I love my curves and don't want to lose them entirely. I guess I'm just gonna have to find that perfect sweet spot that bridges the gap between fit and thin, without losing these sweet curves!

I'll close by saying that I found this on a website called scienceofrelationships.com. They actually do scientific calculations related to relationships. They claim that men relate to this exact hips to waist ratio the most: .70 or less. They even have an online calculator so you can see how you measure up! Which is of course ridiculous...cause the bottom line is....whatever God gave you....just love it....cause chances are....it's the only body you'll ever have!